Why do I feel drained after morning discourses instead of inspired?

I used to come out of the morning discourses feeling inspired and invigorated. Now I am usually drained. I want to be alone and I go home and sleep for a couple of hours. Why is this?

You must have been using the discourses as drugs. Otherwise why should you feel inspired and invigorated? You must have used them as props, drugs, activizers. I am not trying to inspire you here, because all inspiration, if it is really inspiration, should come from your innermost core. How can it from the outside? How can you say that you are inspired by somebody? The whole thing looks contradictory. Inspiration cannot come from outside, otherwise it won't be inspiration. Inspiration has to bubble in your being. If is comes from the outside then it is a drug. Then it is not happening to you, but as it happens with all drugs, soon you will get addicted to it -- then it won't affect you. Then more doses will be needed. And then the same drug which used to inspire you in the beginning, and give energy to you, will prove…

I don't understand why it is so difficult to stay awake during lecture and taped lecture. It is like being drugged. Yet it seems to make no difference whether I am awake or asleep as, afterwards, in either case, I cannot remember what it is you have said. Yet I feel deeply affected inside. Can you explain please?

Kalika, this is the way to listen to me. You have found the key. It is not a question of listening to what I am saying -- that is really irrelevant; there is no need to remember it either. In fact, to remember it will be dangerous; it will become knowledge, it will be your memory, it will enhance your ego. It is perfectly right, in fact it should be always so: you need not remember it, let it slip out of the memory. Listen to it as totally as possible, but don't try to remember it at all. You are not preparing for any examination, you are preparing for an explosion. And the explosion is not going to happen in your memory, it is going to happen in your heart. And the heart knows; it has its own ways of knowing. So even if you fall asleep, the heart…

Osho, even after a good night’s sleep, in the morning my attention often gets lost during your discourse. What can be done to prevent this?

Do nothing. If it gets lost, let it be lost. Only keep the awareness that it is lost. Turn even the state of non-attention into attention. And don’t look at the negative; look at the affirmative. You ask: even after a good night’s sleep, in the morning your attention often gets lost in the discourse. Many times it gets lost; many times it does not. Put your attention on the times it does not. Each time it does not, give thanks to the divine. As much as it settles, that much is grace. Is even that too little? If I speak for an hour and a half, and in that hour and a half even five minutes of your attention truly alight on my words, it is done. Let the remaining eighty-five minutes go. Don’t worry. Even if those five minutes come as scattered moments that add up, it is…

Osho, I get bored reading your books. I don’t even feel like meditating. And the desire to listen to taped discourses is next to nothing. Even in your discourses I can tell in advance what you are going to say. Still there is no transformation—why? And if there has been no transformation, then why do I feel bored with reading, listening and meditating? And, Master, don’t you get bored repeating the same thing day after day?

So a difference has come. Of those who came to me in those days, ninety-nine percent have left. I knew they would. I had not really spoken for them. It was only because of the one percent who remained that I had to speak even to the ninety-nine percent. I have chosen those few. Now, even here, I am not speaking to a crowd. I no longer speak by paying much attention to you. I don’t worry whether it will interest you or not, whether it will appeal to you or not. I do not speak keeping you in mind. Now my attention is on what I have to say. And gradually I would prefer that those who do not find it interesting, who feel bored—step aside, take their leave. Because I will go deeper and deeper. Soon a moment will come when only a very few birds will remain…

Osho, if this energy is abundant, one shouldn’t feel tired; one should feel fresh.

No—at the beginning you will feel tired. Gradually you will feel a great freshness, a freshness you have never known. But at first there will be fatigue. The initial fatigue is because your identity is with the senses. You take them to be “I.” So when the senses get tired, you say, “I am tired.” This is exactly where your identity needs to break, isn’t it? It’s like this: your horse gets tired while you are sitting on it—but you have always believed, “I am the horse.” Now the horse is tired and you say, “We are finished, we are exhausted.” What we call “our” tiredness simply reflects where our identity lies. If I am the horse, then I am tired. The day you know “I am not the horse,” a very different kind of freshness will begin to arise. Then you will know: the senses are tired—but where am…