Will the dark, heavy space inside me disappear if I keep watching it?

Beloved master, sitting with you every day, I am becoming aware of a dark, heavy space inside me. It feels as if it is not part of me, but I know I carry it around with me. Will it disappear if I keep on watching, or do I need to do something more?

Shivam Suvarna, the path of meditation brings everyone to the awareness of a dark space within; and simultaneously, the absolute certainty that "I'm not it." All that is needed of you is just to watch and not to do anything. It seems simple, but it is the most difficult thing in the world, not to do anything. Just remain silent. Let it be there. Just look more closely, be more perceptive, more clear of all its aspects... but as far as doing is concerned, avoid it completely. Doing, in the sphere of the inner world, is your undoing. Doing is perfectly right in the outside world -- it is needed there. You cannot simply watch and things will start happening -- you have to make some effort. The inner follows just the opposite law: if you do something you get caught into doing, you lose your purity of awareness; and…

Osho, for many years I have been making continuous efforts—nothing happened. I did this, I did that—nothing happened. But yesterday, when I simply sat holding awareness, I was astonished: What was that? What happened was beyond my imagination.

It will be; it is bound to be beyond imagination. You don’t even know—what will happen is utterly unknown and unknowable. You cannot make any expectation of it; you have no idea what it will be. What will happen in meditation cannot be said in advance, nor can it be imagined. What happens is unprecedented. It has never been known before. It is totally unknown, utterly unknowable. It will happen only when this entire known mind of yours becomes utterly quiet. And it will become quiet. Awareness stills the mind. When the mind becomes still, meditation descends. Meditation is not something you do; it descends. It surrounds you. Meditation is a state outside the mind-field. Meditation is the very nature of the soul. As soon as the mind-field is quiet, meditation begins to spread. So, very quietly, very effortlessly, without any tension, in silence; everyone sit with a little space…

Beloved Osho, the darkness seems so deep, my eyes covered in a haze, my mind never-ending noise -- except for those moments I am with you -- swirling around and around. The light is there but seems so far away in all this darkness. Sometimes I wonder if I am going to make it. Beloved master, I cannot find the door.

Don't be worried. You don't need to find the door, because you are outside the door! You are never inside, you only believe you are inside. Existentially, you are always outside. The moment you understand that you are out -- it was just an idea that you were in -- the faraway light is no longer far away; it is you. And the darkness that surrounds you is not found anymore. But the basic thing is to realize that you are already outside the door. There is no way for you to be inside the door. That's what I was saying: watchfulness is not part of the mind and cannot be part of the mind. Mind cannot be a witness. Mind is the darkness. Mind is the whole problem, and the solution is just outside the door waiting for you to recognize that you are not in, you are out.…

Beloved Osho, I loved the story about the sun and darkness. As far as my watching is concerned, instead of being a sun, I feel more like I am carrying an old indian flashlight, having to make an effort to push the button. I hear you talking about making an effort, not trying, but letting it happen. The problem is, when I don't push this button there is no light, and what is happening on its own is darkness. Beloved Osho, could you put some light on this effortless effort, as far as watching and awareness are concerned?

And the dawn is sure to come -- then too you have to watch. Night or day, suffering or blissfulness, life or death, you remain just the watcher. It needs no effort; it is simply remaining alert. And I think that, in darkness, you will be more alert than in light. You can try it: go into the forest in the middle of the night, and then try to sleep. You will not sleep. You would rather sit watching -- a slight movement around somewhere in the darkness, a leaf falling from the trees, or a bird suddenly flying in the darkness, and you will jump up with all your awareness. Darkness is a perfectly good space to be aware.... You need not carry that flashlight made in India, and make a great effort to push the button; sometimes, even with the button pushed, there will be no light, because…

Next time it happens, just watch it. Become very objective, a detached watcher, just to see what exactly it is, how it arises just like a small seed, and then how it grows and becomes a big tree and how you are completely lost in it. Just see the whole process of its growth and just see how you help it to grow. Don't be in a hurry to drop it and don't be in a hurry to get out of it; that's where people are wrong. People are in such a hurry to get out that they can't see how they get in, and that is the secret: just watch how you get in. Once you have seen the whole process and the misery that comes out of it, in that very understanding something evaporates. It is not a question of dropping -- just an old habit evaporates.