You're letting go of your old 'me' and becoming part of something bigger, so it feels like getting lost and finding home at once.
From the Discourses
Passages where Osho speaks to this question — each links to the complete discourse.
Osho, how does it happen that I feel so at home and so lost in this buddhafield?
Meditation is a process of death, of non-being, of becoming nothing on your own accord, of disappearing into the whole, into the harmony of the whole. But it is a miracle, the greatest paradoxical experience of life. There is no contradiction in it, but there is a paradox. Seen from the intellectual standpoint, there is a paradox. You ask: HOW DOES IT HAPPEN THAT I FEEL SO AT HOME AND SO LOST IN THIS BUDDHAFIELD? That's how it happens, that's the way it happens. That's the way of the ultimate law -- ais dhammo sanantano. If you had asked Buddha he would have said: Suchness, tathata. This is how the universal law functions: you disappear and you appear for the first time. But you appear in such a new way -- not as a person, not as a name, not as a form, not as a separate identity but just…
Beloved Osho, the first time I saw you was when I took sannyas, and I had that beautiful feeling of "being at home" for the first time in my life. Whenever I'm away from you I feel a certain restlessness that keeps me moving from one place to another, never feeling right wherever I am. The moment I'm staying close to you again the feeling is back: I'm home again. 2 what is this beautiful feeling? You always say there is no home unless we find it in ourselves. But what is this feeling of being at home?
There is no home, unless we find it in ourselves. But if you are close to a person who has found the home and you are open to the person, available, receptive, then you will also share the feeling that you are at home. After all, your master's home is your home too. So what has been happening is perfectly right. You go far away; you miss the feeling of being at home and you feel that something is not right. It is perfectly as it should be. But it is only the beginning of a journey. You feel at home when you are close to me. Let this feeling grow deeper; don't let it be superficial. Allow it to sink to your very being; then wherever you are, I will be with you. Right now you have to be with me to make it possible for me to be…
Beloved Osho, the harmony I feel with you, the vision of love and flowering, trembles within me. I feel a giving of everything to this wonderful gift of life. Something is happening through me or with me or in spite of me -- and I know this is home. Beloved master, beloved mystery, who am I?
There is a great insight, very profound -- and such egolessness, such simplicity, such humbleness that he wants to disappear silently without any footprints, because nobody can follow anybody else. Nobody can become wise by reading and studying scriptures. So that greater part of humanity which believes that they know, they are the ones to whom the mystery is not going to happen. But if you are searching, knowing perfectly well that you know nothing -- you don't even know that your ignorance is absolute; it is not that a little bit you know and a little bit you don't know -- in this humbleness, in this acceptance that I don't know, the mysteries start happening. They happen in spite of you. You cannot manage -- they are not manageable, they are not under your control -- but once they start happening they make their way through you. Slowly, slowly…
Beloved Osho, while I was sitting quietly this morning, an overwhelming feeling of not knowing when I am, where I am, or what was happening, overcame me. While feeling so lost, you appeared as a guiding light in my heart, not saying anything, just being with me. With tear-filled eyes, I felt a happiness I have never known before. Beloved master, can you please comment?
Searching for the truth, seeking the eternal life, you will find many moments which are unbelievable. Even though you are in those moments, completely soaked -- still the moment and its beauty is such, its golden glory is such that it seems too good to be true, and it is too good because it is too true. Many people have lost their path, stuck in a kind of fear. Anything overwhelming, like a great cloud surrounding you -- if you don't know that it is a friend, you are going to be so much afraid that you won't allow the same experience to happen again. Remember that every experience on the path, in the beginning is a great shock. Your very roots are shaken. Whatever you have believed to be true is no longer true. Whatever you have been thinking of as real, is dream stuff, and whatever you have…
Ouspensky writes, 'It was a cold night and I started shivering. Though there was a fire in the room, I started shivering, perspiring... a cold perspiration. Such a fear I have never experienced -- as if I were going to die! I started to write but nothing was coming -- I went blank. I could not write what I knew. In fact the more I looked into it, the more I felt I knew nothing. After an hour I had to come out and give the paper back, and say, "I don't know anything, so you can start!" ' Gurdjieff said, 'Then there is possibility. One grows when one accepts one's ignorance.' So, 'I don't know', is one of the most beautiful answers for any question whatsoever. Abide in it, rest in it. And if you can remember it, nothing else is needed. This will become your door.