Have I committed an unforgivable crime by feeling skeptical towards Sannyas and the ashram?

Lately several friends have asked me if I was sceptical towards sannyas, the ashram and you. I had to admit to the truth and said, 'yes, at times I am.' this left me with a feeling of guilt. Have I committed some unforgivable, sacrilegious crime or is it natural to be sceptical out of being sure? I do not know if you are enlightened. I can only feel your beauty and trust.

That's what beauty is: beauty is always of the beyond. Whenever you see a rose flower and you say, 'It is beautiful,' what do you mean? You say you have seen something of the beyond. Something invisible has become visible to you; you cannot prove it. If somebody else standing by your side denies seeing any beauty in the rose, you cannot prove it to him -- there is no way. You will just have to shrug your shoulders. You will say, 'Then nothing can be done about it. I see and you don't see, and that is that.' You cannot go to the scientist to dissect the rose and find whether it contains beauty or not. It does not contain it; the beauty is not contained in the rose. The beauty is from the beyond, it simply dances on the rose. Those who have eyes, they will see; those…

Question: Third question: Osho, I took sannyas on 11/5/80. I see it as your grace, because it took many years. That very day also turned out to be an auspicious day for touching your feet. I touched your feet and you touched me too. I was filled; I was intoxicated. Then the Energy Darshan program began. I took part in that too. But in it there came a moment when I felt: am I getting hypnotized? Then I stopped myself. A little later another moment came when I felt, ah, this is Energy Darshan! Then I plunged so deep that I was gone—and I came out blissful. Osho, I have placed my boat in your hands; now do with me what you will. Then why did this happen? What happened gives me much pain. Forgive me.

Osho, I am skeptical; I long for faith, but it won’t take root. Doubts keep arising and arising. Show me the way!

Therefore do not be frightened, do not be anxious. I am ready to give sannyas even to an atheist. Because I hold that often atheists are more honest than theists. Theists are often hypocrites. Atheists can be hypocrites too, but at least not in India; in Russia they are. In India it is a little difficult to be an atheist. Here even one who is an atheist shows himself as a theist, because that is convenient. There is a crowd of theists all around—who will take the trouble to be an atheist! Here only one who truly has courage can be an atheist. If you are skeptical, an atheist, full of doubt—the door of my sannyas is open to you. You will not find anyone else in the world willing to give you sannyas; I tell you this. Such courageous theists—who can take even an atheist inside—have disappeared from the…

Osho, there is a great conflict in my mind about whether I will find a solution by coming to you or not! I am very confused. My mind is obsessed with things that are not acceptable. When I am by myself, I somehow adjust with them, but when I reach you my disturbances increase and I panic. My personality has become more stubborn and skeptical; because of this surrender is difficult right now. Even so, I feel a strong urge to come to the ashram.

But what you call unacceptable must be accepted. Your acceptance or rejection doesn’t change reality; nothing vanishes or appears because of it. If you want transformation, accept life in its totality, because transformation happens through acceptance; rejection creates conflict. Rejection splits you into fragments. If you fight your sexual desire, you are in two pieces—on one side your desire, on the other “you.” And remember, sexual energy is no small thing; it permeates every fiber of you. You are born out of it; you are made of it. Every particle of your body is suffused with it. If you fight it, you fight yourself. In a wrestling match against yourself, you can never win. You will be badly defeated, badly broken, shattered into pieces like mercury scattering, like glass smashed on stone. Life must be transformed—raised to heights—given wings. For that, there must be no inner conflict, no duality within:…

Osho, I am a very doubt-ridden person. Is there any way to be free of it?

Mulla said, “Don’t worry. I told them to stand quietly. After all, how long can they stand? The moment they make a peep, they will have broken the rule.” An hour passed. But the thirty-five had been drinking too; they kept standing. Two hours passed; it was nearing midnight. Finally they said, “How long will we stand? This way it’ll be morning.” They knocked. Mulla sent his wife to the door: “Tell them Mulla is not at home.” She went and said, “Mulla is not at home.” They said, “This is too much! We have been standing here for three hours, and we saw him go in before our very eyes. Thirty-five pairs of eyes don’t get deceived. He is inside somewhere. Let us come in; we’ll drag him out.” She said, “He isn’t here. He went out in the morning to buy okra and never returned. I am sitting…