What happens when I feel unworthy and distant from a teacher?

Osho, when I first came to you, it felt as if I had reached you because of some special worthiness. But now, day by day, I am becoming aware of my unworthiness—and of your boundless compassion. Osho, please accept my gratitude and bless me.

The sense of being worthy is unworthiness. The sense of being unworthy is worthiness. Whoever thinks, “I am worthy,” will have a thickened ego. Whoever understands, “I am unworthy,” will have an ego that melts and flows. That’s why sometimes sinners arrive, and the virtuous do not. Even virtue becomes worse than sin if it starts adorning the ego—and it often does. Just last night I told a story. An old woman died. Angels came. She was very frightened, trembling after death. Her soul was shrinking. She was sure they would take her to hell. She had never done anything that could possibly qualify her for heaven—she was certain of her sins, aware of her unworthiness. The angels said, “Since you hold yourself so unworthy, we must take you to heaven. Just tell us if you ever did even one small good deed.” She said, “I don’t remember ever doing…

Beloved Osho, the gift of being here with you is overshadowed by a sense of unworthiness. It troubles me because I don't feel as available to you as I could be. Can you help me to dissolve this?

It is something very essential to understand, that people who are really worthy always feel unworthiness, and the people who are really unworthy never feel it. Not feeling it is part of unworthiness; feeling it is part of worthiness. The question is from Kirtan. It is good that one feels it, because there are no limits to unworthiness -- you can go as high as you desire; it is just like the sky. And to feel it means the ego is dissolving. The ego never feels unworthy; it wants to prove that everybody else is unworthy and only it is worthy. It is humbleness that feels unworthiness and pain which can give birth to a new life. So don't take it as a problem. Accept it as a blessing. Let the ego completely dissolve. It cannot stand the feeling of unworthiness. There are a few things in life which function…

Osho, you have earlier said, “Live moment to moment, live in the present.” Now you are saying, “Return to the past.” What should we do?

So it is with the mind—there are ruts. The past means endless grooves. However much you understand, your intellect agrees, you make decisions, you resolve—at the moment of resolve you feel something is going to change. But not even an hour passes before your decision breaks. Then only self-condemnation is produced, nothing else. Your saints, your fakirs, your priests and pundits—most of the time they only succeed in producing self-condemnation in you, nothing else. Their words are logically correct. You cannot even say they are wrong; you have to admit they are right. In that admission you take a decision. But against what are you deciding? Inside are grooves carved since who knows when, deep tracks. Walking in them has become a habit. It is easy to walk in them. They will pull you again and again. The meaning of returning into the past is: these grooves must be erased.…

Another sannyasin friend said, ‘Osho is supremely compassionate,’ ‘Then why this distinction in the sharing of compassion—that only a chosen few receive the prasad of his ambrosial words?’ And hearing that very remark, I was reminded of my own unworthiness and backwardness. And I have begun to fear that perhaps for this very reason Osho may, in his own way, throw me out. Kindly be gracious enough to dispel our doubts and fears.

- “I am special; hence I was chosen.” Then you have gone astray. You miss at the very threshold. - “By grace alone I, unworthy, have been chosen.” Then you are on the right path. The Sufi mystic Junayd used to say in his daily prayer, “I am amazed—there is no worthiness in me, and yet I live. I have earned nothing, and this supremely blessed life has been given to me. I am amazed, for there is no reason why such peace should shower upon me. Where people burn in such restlessness, why does this peace rain on me?” There was a strange line in his prayer: “O God, I cannot believe You are just. You must be partial toward me—showering so much on one so unworthy.” And that was his worthiness. To see oneself as unworthy is worthiness on the path of the spirit. The day you take…

Beloved Osho, I cannot imagine life without you. At the same time, I cannot believe that I am here with you -- I, who am totally useless for anything. After ten years of my stumbling, you are still pouring your love on me. In front of such enormous treasures, I keep doing stupid things. Beloved master, I am constantly biting your finger. Each time I realize this, I feel I hurt you: I am a helpless disciple. Is there something, some pattern that I have been repeating again and again in the past?

No, it has nothing to do with the past. You are for the first time a seeker. So rejoice that you are growing in your alertness: you can see your stumblings, you can see your stupidities. Just seeing is the way to get rid of them. See clearly, but don't try to get rid of them. The people who try to get rid of something... it simply means their seeing is not strong enough, and they are trying to make up for it by doing something. If seeing is intense enough, total, it is a fire. So the first thing: don't be worried about past lives. This is a fresh adventure, you are not repeating any pattern. Then it would be very difficult to get out of it, because you have repeated that pattern so many times that it has become almost second nature. When you are fresh, a new…