What causes feelings of frustration after a darshan?

Every lecture is to be an injection of life. At times I go out permeated by your presence, at times confused; anyhow, rich, new. I feel loving and loved by life. Instead, after even the sweetest darshan, I feel deeply frustrated. Could you say something about this?

The question is from Prapatti. Yes, I know this happens. This has to happen. It is with a deep consideration; I want it to happen that way. When you are listening to me in the morning talk, I'm not talking to you personally. I'm not talking to anybody personally. I'm not talking to anybody in particular, I'm simply talking. Of course, you are not involved in it, you are just a listener. Even if I hit you on your heads you can always think it is for others, you can always find excuses: "Osho is doing it to others, doing well." You can always exclude yourself. But when you come to darshan in the evening, I am talking to you in particular, Prapatti. Then I hit you and you cannot avoid it. And I know you need many shocks, because there is no other way to wake you. The alarm…

Osho, there is a great conflict in my mind about whether I will find a solution by coming to you or not! I am very confused. My mind is obsessed with things that are not acceptable. When I am by myself, I somehow adjust with them, but when I reach you my disturbances increase and I panic. My personality has become more stubborn and skeptical; because of this surrender is difficult right now. Even so, I feel a strong urge to come to the ashram.

But what you call unacceptable must be accepted. Your acceptance or rejection doesn’t change reality; nothing vanishes or appears because of it. If you want transformation, accept life in its totality, because transformation happens through acceptance; rejection creates conflict. Rejection splits you into fragments. If you fight your sexual desire, you are in two pieces—on one side your desire, on the other “you.” And remember, sexual energy is no small thing; it permeates every fiber of you. You are born out of it; you are made of it. Every particle of your body is suffused with it. If you fight it, you fight yourself. In a wrestling match against yourself, you can never win. You will be badly defeated, badly broken, shattered into pieces like mercury scattering, like glass smashed on stone. Life must be transformed—raised to heights—given wings. For that, there must be no inner conflict, no duality within:…

Osho, for a long time I had the longing to meet you. So I came from Rohtak to your ashram for a ten-day camp. Yesterday I met Ma Yoga Laxmi and requested to see you. But she said that no non-sannyasin can meet you; if I take sannyas, then I can. May I know why the feelings of a non-sannyasin are rejected, when he has come from so far, with such hope and reverence, to meet Osho?

Yash Sharma! Crossing the distance between Rohtak and Poona will not help. The distance between you and me has to be crossed. The very name of crossing that distance is sannyas. Sannyas is not a formal ritual—it is the process of bridging two inner spaces. I understand, you must have felt hurt. You came from so far. But do you know, people here have come from very, very far! Rohtak is quite near. There is hardly a corner of the world from which people have not come. Think of Rohtak as a by-lane of Poona—not far at all. If meetings were arranged by distance, you would never get your turn. If the rule were: the farther one has come, the sooner he meets—then forget it, your number would not come. Coming from a distance will not do. There is another distance—erase that. Then even if you don’t come from Rohtak,…

Whenever I come to darshan, a deep sadness comes up. I feel like crying. I cry and then feel calm and exhausted. What is happening?

Asti, the whole time that you have been here with me, you have been trying to deceive me. That's the root cause of your sadness. Asti is afraid of groups. Hence she is afraid of meeting me -- because if she meets me I will tell her to do Encounter, Tantra, Vipassana, Primal. Because of this fear she has been playing a deceptive game. When she arrives she never comes for an arrival darshan. She always comes for a departure darshan so I cannot give any group, because she is leaving tomorrow. Even if she comes for darshan she never comes for a taLking darshan She sits at the back, she comes only for a silent darshan, because if she talks she is bound to be caught, trapped into some group. She cannot ask a question, because if she asks a question she will get a group. She cannot bring…

Osho, this time at the evening darshan I was fortunate to be close to you for two days in a row. The first day, after watching you for a while, I began to feel anxious; my heartbeat quickened, my head spun, there was a drunken-like feeling and a restlessness. The same state continued for long even after the darshan. The second day, when I came near you, I bowed, closed my eyes, and sank into meditation. For the first time I found your wondrous presence—so near that I had never seen you with open eyes. Inside, coolness, deep silence, and peace prevailed for a long time. What is this?

This is satsang. What I want to show you cannot be seen with open eyes; to see it, the eyes must be closed. What I want to show you is invisible—at least to these two outer eyes. But it is not invisible to the inner eyes. For the first time, Dharmasharan Das, you have tasted satsang. Now it will keep growing. Now abide in it. Call it forth as much as you can. And soon you will realize that for this there is no need to come and sit close to me. Whenever you remember me—even from far away, a thousand miles away—it depends on your remembrance. If your remembrance becomes total and your eyes truly close, you will find the same again; you will find it everywhere. Your real initiation has now happened. There was a sannyas you took earlier—that was only the beginning. Now the real sannyas has…