What should I do when I feel entangled between surrender and resolve?

Osho, neither does surrender happen to me, nor do I have the power of resolve; I am entangled in between. You have created quite a predicament for me. As it is, I cannot even bear distance from you—what should I do? Unbidden, I prayed for the well-being of your cruelties; now my hands no longer rise, even after the act of prayer.

To abandon yourself to a river like a corpse requires a profound mastery of swimming. Only a great swimmer can truly let himself go into the stream. Because a great swimmer is free of fear. He knows: if need be, I can swim. If a difficulty arises, swimming is in my hands. The greater the swimmer, the more motionless he can leave himself; he does not even move hands and feet. “What is there to fear? My hands are with me, I am always here—if a moment comes, I will swim.” Such a moment does not haunt him. Tell one who does not know how to swim, “Jump into the river—give yourself up,” and he may jump in a moment of inspiration, in some joyous surge, excitement, intoxication—my song may seize him—and he jumps. The instant he jumps, he forgets what I said. Instantly his arms and legs will flail.…

Osho, what does surrender mean?

Resolve means: I. Surrender means: not-I. Resolve means: the sense of doership. Surrender means: the sense of non-doership. Resolve means: only through what I do can anything happen; without my doing, nothing will happen—effort is everything. Surrender means: grace is everything. What will happen through my doing? If the Beloved does, it happens. I am only a hollow reed of bamboo; if He plays, I become a flute. His song is everything. I should give Him passage, not become an obstruction. I should step aside from the path. A tiny bud walked along the riverbank and reached—then stepped down into the stream! The lover, bound for tryst, descended from steps to the waves. On the faces of the stars a shimmer came. So much is joined. When even a tiny bud steps into a ripple, in the eyes of stars at immeasurable distances a sparkle appears. Over the whole current…

Osho, you said that if even a little thirst has arisen and even a little courage, surrender to God. But how can a surrender done out of fear lead to fearlessness?

Resolve is the effort of a miserly mind. Surrender is a wholly different matter. Resolve stands near the ego. And now and then a rare person has reached by resolve. One can arrive by resolve too; but in the last moment he must drop his immense ego—and that is very difficult. Once in a while some Mahavira succeeds; that is why I say it is right to call Mahavira by that name—for hardly anyone ever succeeds on that journey. It is very difficult. Difficult because first you build up the ego, refine it; you take everything into your own hands. And in the final moment, when all has ripened, when the ego has been fashioned in its subtlest form, hard as a diamond—so that it can cut through all things and nothing can cut through it—at that very moment you must surrender. At that moment you have to let go…

Osho, tathata and surrender feel especially dear to me, but why can’t I abide in them? Kindly guide me.

Then there is surrender: “We have nothing to do; we just have to place our head at his feet.” But do you think placing your head at his feet is easy? You have to take off the head and lay it down. To just bow and come away—that is mere calisthenics of the head. That won’t do. Did you hear Paltu’s saying yesterday? Paltu said: cut off your head—and not only cut it off, then dance upon the severed head yourself. What an extraordinary thing to say! First behead the ego, drop it. And not only drop it and stand there thinking, “Look how much I have renounced,” standing there gloomy and grave, demanding a reward—no: dance! Dance with joy, with the “ah!” of gratitude, with celebration. It is in that moment of celebration that the meeting with God happens. So if some things feel pleasant to you, don’t assume…

Beloved Osho, my surrender is goal-oriented. I'm surrendering in order to win freedom, so it is not real surrender at all. I'm watching it, but the problem is: it is always 'I' who is watching. Therefore every realization out of that watching is a reinforcement of the ego. I feel tricked by my ego.

The ego is always goal-oriented. It is always greedy, it is always grabbing. It is always searching for more and more and more; it lives in the more. If you have money it wants to have more money; if you have a house it wants to have a bigger house; if you have a woman it wants to have a beautiful woman, but it always wants more. The ego is constantly hungry. It lives in the future and in the past. In the past it lives as a hoarder -- "I have this and this and this." It gets a great satisfaction: "I have got something" -- power, prestige, money. It gives a kind of reality to it. It gives the notion that, "When I have these things, I must be there." And it lives in the future with the idea of more. It lives as memory and as desire.…