Am I worthy of love?

Beloved Osho, over the last few months I have been going through an amazing process of letting go of my attachments, of clearing the way for my heart to expand to you, the divine. Thank you, Osho, for showering me with so much love. Am I worthy of so much?

We are trying to find more and more places, and within two or three months, you all will have places in the ashram. But just my name, and the price of any house goes up three times. So it is a little difficult, but I know you are living in difficulties outside. The same flat that was rented for seventeen hundred rupees per month before our coming back to Poona is now being given to sannyasins for eight thousand rupees per month. Prices have gone seven, eight times higher. But Veena will not feel grateful that she is in the ashram. She will not think that thousands of sannyasins are living outside, paying too much, eight or ten times more than the market price. Two thousand sannyasins are living outside, and she is demanding that she wants a separate room to herself. That means a separate room for her lover…

Beloved Osho, I feel your presence all around me, your love and your compassion, but I myself feel unworthy of it. Who am I that I should deserve you? Just because of this, I have closed a door in front of you. My heart is suffering, but I have forgotten where the door is.

And you may try to persuade them: "Come out, I will give you a sweet." They cannot, because death.... Even sometimes if they try, they feel as if an invisible wall prevents them, pushes them back into the circle. And that wall exists only in their minds -- there is no wall, there is nothing. Unless the person who has put them in the circle comes and withdraws the circle, takes the child out, the child remains inside. And the child goes on growing, but the idea remains in the unconscious. So even an old man, if his father draws a circle around him, cannot get out of it. So it is not only a question of the child; the old man also still carries his childhood in his unconscious. And it is not a question of one child. The whole group of nomads have put their children under trees…

Beloved Osho, to be in your energy again is so beautiful. When I hear and read what you have gone through and endured in order to do your work and be there for us, I am awed. How can we be worthy of you?

The very question, how can you be worthy of me, makes you worthy of me. The question arises out of humbleness. I accept you as you are, but the desire to be more worthy simply means to be more humble, to be more absent as far as the ego is concerned. Here, not to be is the way of being. The more you erase yourself, the more you allow me in. Just open your doors, all the windows, and don't hold anything. If you are holding anything back, that means a suspicion... in case you have to leave, in case this man turns out to be not the right master, you can withdraw. So people give in very cautiously. They take so much time unnecessarily. Tomorrow is not certain; I may be here or I may not be here. Only this moment is certain. Don't hold back. Come totally to…

So the child has to compromise. He cannot say, 'Just love me as I am.' He cannot demand that -- and even if he demands, nobody is going to supply it. So by and by he has to force himself to do things which he never wanted to do, which he does not like to do. But there is a bait -- that he can get love; mother's love, father's love, brother's love. They will approve of him, they will make him worthy. So he works hard in the school, he tries to be dutiful. He tries to fetch a little more love from you, and then he learns something which is very dangerous. He learns that unless you are worthy, you will never be loved. Now this is absurd. It is as if somebody is saying 'Unless you are worthy, you will never breathe.' It is just as irrelevant.

Question: Second question: Osho, is love life itself? Is it aliveness? What is a well, after all? Merely a window through which the ocean peeks. The well is connected below to the ocean, to endless springs. It is just a little aperture where the ocean has looked out. Do not be afraid. You too are an aperture through which the Divine looks. Do not fear. You are connected. Pour yourself out and you will find you expand. Hold back and you will shrink and rot. And then a vicious circle begins: if you hold back, do not share, do not give love, fear arises—“Everything is already drying up; if I give, I will have even less.” You clamp down even more. The more you hold, the less you have; you keep drying up. Be brave. Give—and see.