[To a new sannyasin who said she hoped to stay two years, Osho said that she could be completely transformed..... ]
So do a few groups here, mm? We have two years, so we can move very slowly. And there is no hurry -- we can enjoy the journey. People who are in a hurry cannot enjoy the journey. Their eyes are fixed on the goal. They cannot enjoy the roadside view -- and it is tremendously beautiful.
The goal is beautiful, but the journey is beautiful too. God is beautiful, but waiting for Him is also beautiful.
One should not miss the roadside view. In fact if somebody suddenly reaches God, he will not be able to recognise Him. The road prepares one. Slowly, slowly God radiates Himself in many ways -- in the valleys, in the trees, in the birds, in the waterfalls -- in many experiences on the way He comes to you, very slowly.
Sometimes you can only hear His footsteps. Sometimes He whispers. Sometimes it is very vague whether He has been there or not. Sometimes you see only His footprints when He is gone.
But this is how one becomes by and by acquainted with the unknown. In a thousand and one ways, you gather bits and pieces of divinity. That's how you become capable of recognising Him when He reveals Himself in His totality.
So it is better to follow a bullock cart way and go slowly, rather than in a jet plane. Because if God is suddenly there you will not be able to recognise Him, you will not be able even to see Him. There will be no link between you and Him. You will be poles apart -- so much so that there will be no possibility of any bridge.
So this is good that you will be here for two years. Enjoy everything that is available here.... And by becoming a sannyasin you have become part of my community.
The word community is very beautiful. It means a unit of people and persons who have something in common -- from 'common' comes 'community'. This is not an organisation. You are related to me, other sannyasins are related to me -- I am the common factor. You are all sharing me and my presence -- hence it becomes a community.
So become more and more part of this family. Get in tune with the ashram, meditations, groups . . . make friendships, relationships, relate to my people. The more you get lost in my people, the closer you will come to me, because they all have one thing in common -- and that is me. And from this moment you become part of my community.... Good!
[Another sannyasin says: I keep getting involved with people but I don't feel love for anyone.]
What do you mean by love? What is your expectation of love? Sometimes it can happen that you have some fantasy about love. You have some very perfectionist idea about love, and in comparison to it all your relationships will look superficial.
[She replies: I mean warm feelings that are very strong.
That's what I am saying -- that again is the same problem. How strong do you want feelings -- almost feverish? The problem is created by you. If you have some absurd idea of love, some romantic idea of love, some poetic idea, then reality will always look pale. That's why poets can never love. They have such high ideas that everything looks superficial, dirty, earthly. They want to fly.
For example, if you have an idea that you should be able to fly in the sky, and you cannot -- you can at the most run on the earth -- then you will feel very disturbed. 'What type of flying is this? I continue to run on the earth.'
My suggestion is that you forget all about your romantic ideas -- they are childish. Listen to reality. And whatsoever is happening is good! Enjoy it! Why disturb it? You can disturb everything.
Forget the idea of love. You must be carrying some philosophy. Be realistic: this is what love is -- and if you go into it and enjoy it, it will grow more and more, but because of your idea from the very beginning it is condemned.
The myth of love is very deep-rooted in humanity. For centuries people have been taught what love is. Nobody knows anything about what love is, but they go on teaching people what love is. They have raised the whole thing to absurdity, so whatsoever you do will fall short. And then you are condemned... you are in a hell.
My suggestion is -- forget the idealism. Don't say that it is not warm enough. It is warm -- good! At least it is not cold. Lukewarm -- it will do. Just a little spark is there -- it will do. Just by a little spark you can create such a big fire; the whole forest can be on fire just by a little spark. But don't condemn the spark, otherwise there will be no possibility for growth.
It is good that you fall in love with people. Maybe it is just sexual -- let it be. Nothing is wrong in sex... it is the spark. But what happens when you fall in love with a person is that you start thinking this is just sexual; divine love is not happening -- there is condemnation. Then the love will never happen, because through condemnation you will kill the very possibility -- the seed will be burned. Nothing is wrong in it! You are a body too -- and every-thing starts from the body.
When you are eating, if you have some absurd idea about divine energy, you will say, 'What material things am I eating? Just ordinary food -- butter and bread and vegetables. I need divine energy -- and this is all material. You can purchase it in a hotel. This cannot be divine.'
But eat it, digest it, and there will be a transformation in you. The material will become mental, the physical will become psychological, and if you digest your psychological energy, it will become divine. Divine energy is not available in the marketplace; all that is available is physical energy. Then you have to transform it into divine energy.
Love that is available is sexual, so accept the. facticity of it, and don't condemn it -- that it is just sexual. It is sexual, but sex is the door. Don't get stuck in sexuality, but don't be against it either. Enjoy it! Let it become a little higher and deeper -- then it will be more like love. And if love grows even deeper, it will become more like prayer. But those will be inner transformations that you have to bring to it. The available is raw material.
It is just like a raw diamond. You may not even recognise that it is a diamond. You have to cut it, you have to polish it, you have to give it shape, and then it is there -- tremendously valuable.
It is exactly like that: sex is just a raw diamond, physicalness is a raw diamond. So you will have to cut, you will have to work on it -- hard it is... arduous it is. You will have to give it a polishing -- it will take years -- and then one day the precious is in your hands. But the precious does not come directly, it comes very indirectly.
In the world you exist as a body... in the world you are a body. Ninety percent you are a body, nine percent you are a mind, one percent you are a soul. That is the proportion -- so of course the ninety percent is going to be very very important.
My understanding is that you are creating your problem, you are responsible for it -- there is no problem in fact.
So start looking afresh, have a new vision. And nothing is wrong. If you feel to move with many people, nothing is wrong. Maybe that is your need right now. In the beginning it is natural that one wants to move with many people -- because how to select the right one? The right one is not available there. It is not written on the forehead of somebody that this is the right person for you. Nobody knows who is the right person. You have to meet and mix and see in many situations, and then only can you come to know who is the right person. Once you have found the right person there will be no need to move with many people. But right now it is natural... it should be so.
It is just a search. You are in search, so whosoever meets you, you look into him. How can you know beforehand whether he is for you or not? A priori there is no way to know. You will have to move into some living situation with the person, only then will you be able to judge whether you exist for him, whether he exists for you... only through experience. So if you don't exist for him and he does not exist for you -- if you don't fit with each other, and you don't have a feeling that you are made for each other -- then move away... the sooner the better. Sometimes it happens that one can get entangled with a person for whom one is not meant. Then the whole life is wasted. So play around, fool around -- nothing wrong in it. This is your search!
It is almost as if one is lost in a jungle and there is no map available, there is nobody whom you can even ask: What will you do? Will you simply sit? You will rush this side and that -- you will go to east, to west, to south, to north, mm? You will start exploring the territory. Some way you will try to find from where to get out of the jungle -- and you will find a way ! If you sit, there is no possibility. You may be just sitting by the side of a highway... or just a few trees may be hiding the highway, and you can simply sit there, lost forever.
So get up and be going, and look around. This is how things are, mm? This whole humanity is almost like a jungle. So many trees, human trees, all around -- just go and sit and shake hands with people, say, 'Hello'... be with people. One day with some-body you simply fit ! It happens so perfectly that you cannot believe it -- but it happens!
Before it happens you will have to experiment. This is the experimental stage of your life, so experiment -- nothing is wrong in it. And whosoever allows you to be with him, feel grateful! Whether he fits with you or not, when you move away feel thankful -- he has made you more aware... he has given you some experience. Now you know life more than you had ever known before you met him, so feel grateful.
Never move in anger -- always move in gratefulness, and sooner or later you will come upon the person. But first thing, drop your ideals, mm? Good.
[A member of the Primal group says: I have a feeling that I am going rather deeply, and... there's much more still for me to discover, but it's just so very hard for me. Sometimes I can't find a way to move and I feel stuck.]
No, you are going well, and you are going deeper. But the inner depth is immeasurable. You will never come to the bottom -- remember it -- because there is no bottom. And the deeper you go, the more you will feel that you can go deeper. You are going .well. I'm not saying that you have to stop there -- you have to go further. One has to go on going. It is a journey that begins but never ends... and that is the beauty of it.
You will be able to fall deeper by and by -- you are not stuck. You are in a totally different situation, but that too feels like being stuck. When you move inwards, you come to a certain depth to which you have never come before; then your being takes a little time. It needs to get rooted in that depth. That time is not a time when you can say you are stuck -- you are not stuck! Your being takes a little time... a plateau happens.
Once your being has got roots in it, you can go again deeper. So that is a time of being established at a certain depth. If you simply go on deeper continuously, there will be no establishment of anything, there will be no stability in it. You will go and you will come back, and it will become just a memory, and by and by the memory will fade away.
But there is an economic structure in the growth. You go to a certain state, then everything stops, so the whole energy that is involved in going further is no more involved in going further. Rather, it is used for this space to be established; it becomes solid, crystallised. Then again you move.
So one moves, then rests a little. In that rest you are not stuck, but you can interpret it as your being stuck -- that is a wrong interpretation. I can see you are not stuck at all.
... but don't be worried. Simply let the energy settle there, get it centred there, and then you will again find that a flow has come, again you are moving. It is just a rest.
One has journeyed the whole day, walked miles the whole day, then in the night one needs to rest -- under a tree, one has to rest for the night. By the morning one will be able to move again. And if you continuously move, within two, three days you will fall, and you will never be able to move again. So that's a natural system, a very automatic system: you go only up to a certain point, then your whole structure says, now enough -- you rest. Let the energy be revived again. Let the body relax so that you can move tomorrow morning.
So there is a rhythm of movement, rest; movement, rest. This is just a rest period. Soon you will see that the movement will come. Go on doing whatsoever you are doing -- the movement will come. And by the end this group will also give you a new depth. Things are going well....
[Another group member says: This is the deepest I have ever gone -- I really went into my feelings... I didn't get into anything heavy... There was so much energy that I really felt and did not think.]
This has been very good. Things are going well. More -- much more -- will be coming.
And don't think that something heavy is coming. You may not have something heavy repressed. So one should not expect anything -- that creates the problem. One should simply remain without expectation, so whatsoever happens is okay.
If you have some expectation that something heavy should happen and is not, then there are two possibilities: either you will start creating that heavy thing because you want it so desperately.... And that will be false -- and your unconscious can deceive you. Just to satisfy you, if you want something heavy you have something heavy. The unconscious can create something heavy which will be false -- and you will not be benefited by it. In fact, you will feel exhausted -- not replenished, not rejuvenated.
When something really heavy is broken, one feels very very light -- not exhausted... one feels full of energy. But if the unconscious has to pretend -- mm? just to fulfill your expectation -- you will feel very exhausted. So whatsoever comes is good. If nothing comes, that too is good.
This is one of the problems with growth groups -- because everybody looks at everybody else. Somebody is going into something heavy and you are not, so you feel comparative -- that something is missing, he is going into such a heavy thing. But he may have to go, and you may not have to.
I have come across people who have been in Primal Therapy with Janov or with others, and because it is insisted upon that there is a primal scream, people manage to scream one day. It looks like primal and it is not -- because after that primal scream they remain the same. If it is really a primal, they will be totally different.... But their unconscious played the trick. The unconscious helps you, and if you demand too much, it will create an illusion, a hallucination.
Have you seen? Sometimes it happens to women. Some woman wants to have a child very desperately -- she can create a false pregnancy and her stomach becomes big. She goes on filling her stomach with air -- and not consciously! Her period stops. Now the unconscious is really playing great tricks. Because she wants the child so desperately, the unconscious says, 'Okay, have it!' How can the unconscious give you the child?
Now she is three months, four months in pregnancy, and starts vomiting, and all the symptoms of pregnancy are there. When she goes to the doctor and he says there is nothing, within two days the stomach settles down and the air disappears, and the period comes again, and all the symptoms disappear.
The unconscious is a great energy, and if you ask too much, the unconscious can give, can deliver -- it can deliver any goods. If you want to see Christ, you will see Christ there. If you want to see Krishna, he will have to play his flute -- and you will see him! These are all hallucinations. So don't expect!
This should be one of the basic rules -- that one should not expect and one should not look at others. Whatsoever is happening is their thing, mm? It has nothing to do with you -- you are different. So just let things happen, and don't put any expectation in your mind, otherwise you can have a false pregnancy! But things are going well, mm? Much more will be happening. Very good !
[Another group member says he worked through his father relationship and now feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. In reply to Osho's query, he says the weight had been on his left shoulder.]
Very good. If your left shoulder was heavy, your right brain must have been burdened. That's how it goes: they are joined cross-wise -- the left hand is joined with the right brain.
Soon you will see new qualities of the right brain arising in you. The right brain is intuitive, poetic... more capable of religious experiences. The left brain which is joined with the right hand, is more rational, logical. So if the burden is less there, suddenly after a few days you will feel some new insights arising in you -- and when they arise, help them. Be careful about them because they will be very new and you can neglect them.
Many things die through negligence. One has to be careful. That's why I asked you which shoulder was feeling unburdened. So if you start feeling more intuitive -- more hunches happen to you, you become more imaginative, more poetic, and things look more colourful, you become more loving, more feeling arises -- don't be afraid, Mm? otherwise the mind will again close, and if the mind closes, again your left shoulder will become heavy.
And now you will be working with your mother. You don't have any problem with your mother?
[He answers: The nice part of my mother came up -- not the heavy part.]
Maybe... sometimes it happens that if the heavy part is with your father, the nice part will be with your mother. They are enemies -- so if the father is heavy, the mother must have been nice to you....
That's natural -- because you can have only one friend; either mother or the father; you cannot have both. The world is still not so aware. Even the child cannOt have both a father and a mother -- he has to choose. And from that very moment choice starts.
If he chooses the father, the mother is against. If he chooses the mother, the father is against -- he is mama's boy, and the father is not interested. And in most of the cases it happens that the father is hard on the boy, nice to the girls -- nice to the daughter -- and the mother is nice to the boy, and harder on the daughter.
But still go into it, mm? It is better to clean all the relationships with the past. Once you have closed the accounts with the past, you become free, you become liberated into the future... you have more space. Otherwise the past goes on narrowing you.
If you have settled your accounts with your father, suddenly you will feel a new upsurge of love for men. Don't be afraid of that -- because a fear arises that one is becoming homosexual or something. That will come, because when the father's account is closed and you start feeling good about your father -- that yes, everything is gone and finished, and you don't carry the wounds -- you will start feeling good about men. You will become more friendly with men, because each man somehow represents your father.
[Another group member says: I played around for about four days and for the last couple of days I have really been getting into it. I can get so far and then I get scared to go any further... today I feel sort of more into a softer space . But I just get scared and that's it. And I can head-trip about it, or else I start clowning, and then it stops.]
I know you will do that because the day I suggested Primal Therapy, you turned and you said, 'Ah, shit!' (she laughs) I didn't say anything -- you were trying to be funny -- but it was foolish. That shows your whole attitude, and if you go into something with that attitude, you will be clowning -- it will not be of much use.
Nobody likes to be advised. And I have to do that sin continuously -- I have to advise people, 'Do this, do that.' Nobody wants to be advised, because it is very against the ego. Even to accept somebody's advice means that you don't know and somebody else knows. So in many ways one wants to avoid -- jokingly maybe, but that is a trick !
That very moment I knew you had missed that Primal group... I knew that it would be difficult for you ! The group had not started, nothing had started, but I could have predicted then that you would miss, because your attitude would be there. It was very unconscious -- not that you did it knowingly, it was unconscious -- but foolish things are supported by people.
You were here with the Soma group, and even [the leader] and others started laughing, thinking that you have done something very nice. So you also enjoyed the trick -- you thought you have done something nice... but nobody knows what people are doing.
Then you cannot be sincere; the whole work is a wastage. So you must have been fooling and pretending and clowning.
[One of the leaders comments: It seems that she can handle the heavier feelings but when it gets to softer spaces, it is difficult. She's really afraid of being a child. She's already well-developed in very sophisticated games and can joke and turn things to her advantage.]
Tomorrow something is going to happen. I have hit hard on her head (with a chuckle). Tomorrow something is going to happen! Mm? She will be able. These sophisticated games are just protections.
She is a child -- and she is simply protecting. She knows that if she goes sincerely into it, she will be childish -- that's what the fear is. She has not grown up in that way. Maybe her height (she is tall) has played some role in it. She must have been taller than other children when she was a child, and that very length has given her a sense that she is a grown-up. So she has never really been a child. She has never allowed herself that freedom.
Now it is there boiling inside, and she knows that if she relaxes suddenly that will erupt -- and for the whole life she has repressed it! So now she tries to manipulate every situation in her favour, by humour, by this and that, rationalisation, intellectualisation. Those are all props -- but they can all be thrown.
Just say to her -- whenever you see that she is doing something, just make it clear to her what she is doing. If she wants to do it, it is good, she can -- it is her game -- otherwise she need not do it. And from tomorrow she will enter; she is ready now. In fact her group will start from tomorrow, and she will enter into that space. And once she becomes a child, she will be tremendously beautiful. Great happiness will arise in her.
Sometimes it happens -- just very accidental things.... For example, her height is accidental. It is not her fault -- what can she do? She must have always been taller than other children of the same age, so she must have been feeling always that she is more grown-up than others, and that has made a gap. That gap has to be broken. And once it is broken she will become very very soft, flowing -- and that is her fear, too.
In the modern world it is happening more. Even small children are becoming very sophisticated. Each generation they are becoming more sophisticated. The world is becoming more informed, more knowledgeable. Children are glued to the TV for six hours a day. They are getting masses of information which was never possible at any other age or any other time. Of course they are very very sophisticated. Modern media have made many things possible.
For example, a child cannot read a novel like 'Anna Karenina', but he can see the film on the TV. To read 'Anna Karenina' he would have to wait for many years. But on the TV he can see and he can understand it and he can follow it. He can see Tolstoy, he can see Dostoevsky, he can see Turgenev, Gogol, Gorky. The whole world of literature which was not available to him before is available. He becomes very sophisticated. Even small children start feeling very egoistic.
Just the other day I was reading a joke. A doctor told a small child that if one eats an apple a day, it keeps the doctor away. The child said, 'Ah, nuts ! This is nothing !'
The doctor was a little shocked. He said, 'What do you mean, "This is nothing?"' The child said, 'I have got a better advice to give.' The doctor said, 'What is that?'
The child said, 'Eat one onion a day, and it keeps everybody away! Not only the doctor -- everybody!'
Even small children are no more ready to receive any advice from anybody... they have become very subtle egoists.
So that barrier has to be broken... and she is carrying that barrier. But from tomorrow all the three musketeers (the leaders) jump on her! She has to be destroyed -- anyhow, mm? So finish the job.
And once you have finished the job you will see something very very soft, flower-like, delicate, arising. It is there. It will happen....
Osho's Commentary
So do a few groups here, mm? We have two years, so we can move very slowly. And there is no hurry -- we can enjoy the journey. People who are in a hurry cannot enjoy the journey. Their eyes are fixed on the goal. They cannot enjoy the roadside view -- and it is tremendously beautiful.
The goal is beautiful, but the journey is beautiful too. God is beautiful, but waiting for Him is also beautiful.
One should not miss the roadside view. In fact if somebody suddenly reaches God, he will not be able to recognise Him. The road prepares one. Slowly, slowly God radiates Himself in many ways -- in the valleys, in the trees, in the birds, in the waterfalls -- in many experiences on the way He comes to you, very slowly.
Sometimes you can only hear His footsteps. Sometimes He whispers. Sometimes it is very vague whether He has been there or not. Sometimes you see only His footprints when He is gone.
But this is how one becomes by and by acquainted with the unknown. In a thousand and one ways, you gather bits and pieces of divinity. That's how you become capable of recognising Him when He reveals Himself in His totality.
So it is better to follow a bullock cart way and go slowly, rather than in a jet plane. Because if God is suddenly there you will not be able to recognise Him, you will not be able even to see Him. There will be no link between you and Him. You will be poles apart -- so much so that there will be no possibility of any bridge.
So this is good that you will be here for two years. Enjoy everything that is available here.... And by becoming a sannyasin you have become part of my community.
The word community is very beautiful. It means a unit of people and persons who have something in common -- from 'common' comes 'community'. This is not an organisation. You are related to me, other sannyasins are related to me -- I am the common factor. You are all sharing me and my presence -- hence it becomes a community.
So become more and more part of this family. Get in tune with the ashram, meditations, groups . . . make friendships, relationships, relate to my people. The more you get lost in my people, the closer you will come to me, because they all have one thing in common -- and that is me.
And from this moment you become part of my community.... Good!
[Another sannyasin says: I keep getting involved with people but I don't feel love for anyone.]
What do you mean by love? What is your expectation of love? Sometimes it can happen that you have some fantasy about love. You have some very perfectionist idea about love, and in comparison to it all your relationships will look superficial.
[She replies: I mean warm feelings that are very strong.
That's what I am saying -- that again is the same problem. How strong do you want feelings -- almost feverish? The problem is created by you. If you have some absurd idea of love, some romantic idea of love, some poetic idea, then reality will always look pale. That's why poets can never love. They have such high ideas that everything looks superficial, dirty, earthly. They want to fly.
For example, if you have an idea that you should be able to fly in the sky, and you cannot -- you can at the most run on the earth -- then you will feel very disturbed. 'What type of flying is this? I continue to run on the earth.'
My suggestion is that you forget all about your romantic ideas -- they are childish. Listen to reality. And whatsoever is happening is good! Enjoy it! Why disturb it? You can disturb everything.
Forget the idea of love. You must be carrying some philosophy. Be realistic: this is what love is -- and if you go into it and enjoy it, it will grow more and more, but because of your idea from the very beginning it is condemned.
The myth of love is very deep-rooted in humanity. For centuries people have been taught what love is. Nobody knows anything about what love is, but they go on teaching people what love is. They have raised the whole thing to absurdity, so whatsoever you do will fall short. And then you are condemned... you are in a hell.
My suggestion is -- forget the idealism. Don't say that it is not warm enough. It is warm -- good! At least it is not cold. Lukewarm -- it will do. Just a little spark is there -- it will do. Just by a little spark you can create such a big fire; the whole forest can be on fire just by a little spark. But don't condemn the spark, otherwise there will be no possibility for growth.
It is good that you fall in love with people. Maybe it is just sexual -- let it be. Nothing is wrong in sex... it is the spark. But what happens when you fall in love with a person is that you start thinking this is just sexual; divine love is not happening -- there is condemnation. Then the love will never happen, because through condemnation you will kill the very possibility -- the seed will be burned. Nothing is wrong in it! You are a body too -- and every-thing starts from the body.
When you are eating, if you have some absurd idea about divine energy, you will say, 'What material things am I eating? Just ordinary food -- butter and bread and vegetables. I need divine energy -- and this is all material. You can purchase it in a hotel. This cannot be divine.'
But eat it, digest it, and there will be a transformation in you. The material will become mental, the physical will become psychological, and if you digest your psychological energy, it will become divine. Divine energy is not available in the marketplace; all that is available is physical energy. Then you have to transform it into divine energy.
Love that is available is sexual, so accept the. facticity of it, and don't condemn it -- that it is just sexual. It is sexual, but sex is the door. Don't get stuck in sexuality, but don't be against it either. Enjoy it! Let it become a little higher and deeper -- then it will be more like love. And if love grows even deeper, it will become more like prayer. But those will be inner transformations that you have to bring to it. The available is raw material.
It is just like a raw diamond. You may not even recognise that it is a diamond. You have to cut it, you have to polish it, you have to give it shape, and then it is there -- tremendously valuable.
It is exactly like that: sex is just a raw diamond, physicalness is a raw diamond. So you will have to cut, you will have to work on it -- hard it is... arduous it is. You will have to give it a polishing -- it will take years -- and then one day the precious is in your hands. But the precious does not come directly, it comes very indirectly.
In the world you exist as a body... in the world you are a body. Ninety percent you are a body, nine percent you are a mind, one percent you are a soul. That is the proportion -- so of course the ninety percent is going to be very very important.
My understanding is that you are creating your problem, you are responsible for it -- there is no problem in fact.
So start looking afresh, have a new vision. And nothing is wrong. If you feel to move with many people, nothing is wrong. Maybe that is your need right now. In the beginning it is natural that one wants to move with many people -- because how to select the right one? The right one is not available there. It is not written on the forehead of somebody that this is the right person for you. Nobody knows who is the right person. You have to meet and mix and see in many situations, and then only can you come to know who is the right person. Once you have found the right person there will be no need to move with many people. But right now it is natural... it should be so.
It is just a search. You are in search, so whosoever meets you, you look into him. How can you know beforehand whether he is for you or not? A priori there is no way to know. You will have to move into some living situation with the person, only then will you be able to judge whether you exist for him, whether he exists for you... only through experience. So if you don't exist for him and he does not exist for you -- if you don't fit with each other, and you don't have a feeling that you are made for each other -- then move away... the sooner the better. Sometimes it happens that one can get entangled with a person for whom one is not meant. Then the whole life is wasted. So play around, fool around -- nothing wrong in it. This is your search!
It is almost as if one is lost in a jungle and there is no map available, there is nobody whom you can even ask: What will you do? Will you simply sit? You will rush this side and that -- you will go to east, to west, to south, to north, mm? You will start exploring the territory. Some way you will try to find from where to get out of the jungle -- and you will find a way ! If you sit, there is no possibility. You may be just sitting by the side of a highway... or just a few trees may be hiding the highway, and you can simply sit there, lost forever.
So get up and be going, and look around. This is how things are, mm? This whole humanity is almost like a jungle. So many trees, human trees, all around -- just go and sit and shake hands with people, say, 'Hello'... be with people. One day with some-body you simply fit ! It happens so perfectly that you cannot believe it -- but it happens!
Before it happens you will have to experiment. This is the experimental stage of your life, so experiment -- nothing is wrong in it. And whosoever allows you to be with him, feel grateful! Whether he fits with you or not, when you move away feel thankful -- he has made you more aware... he has given you some experience. Now you know life more than you had ever known before you met him, so feel grateful.
Never move in anger -- always move in gratefulness, and sooner or later you will come upon the person. But first thing, drop your ideals, mm? Good.
[A member of the Primal group says: I have a feeling that I am going rather deeply, and... there's much more still for me to discover, but it's just so very hard for me. Sometimes I can't find a way to move and I feel stuck.]
No, you are going well, and you are going deeper. But the inner depth is immeasurable. You will never come to the bottom -- remember it -- because there is no bottom. And the deeper you go, the more you will feel that you can go deeper. You are going .well. I'm not saying that you have to stop there -- you have to go further. One has to go on going. It is a journey that begins but never ends... and that is the beauty of it.
You will be able to fall deeper by and by -- you are not stuck. You are in a totally different situation, but that too feels like being stuck. When you move inwards, you come to a certain depth to which you have never come before; then your being takes a little time. It needs to get rooted in that depth. That time is not a time when you can say you are stuck -- you are not stuck! Your being takes a little time... a plateau happens.
Once your being has got roots in it, you can go again deeper. So that is a time of being established at a certain depth. If you simply go on deeper continuously, there will be no establishment of anything, there will be no stability in it. You will go and you will come back, and it will become just a memory, and by and by the memory will fade away.
But there is an economic structure in the growth. You go to a certain state, then everything stops, so the whole energy that is involved in going further is no more involved in going further. Rather, it is used for this space to be established; it becomes solid, crystallised. Then again you move.
So one moves, then rests a little. In that rest you are not stuck, but you can interpret it as your being stuck -- that is a wrong interpretation. I can see you are not stuck at all.
... but don't be worried. Simply let the energy settle there, get it centred there, and then you will again find that a flow has come, again you are moving. It is just a rest.
One has journeyed the whole day, walked miles the whole day, then in the night one needs to rest -- under a tree, one has to rest for the night. By the morning one will be able to move again. And if you continuously move, within two, three days you will fall, and you will never be able to move again. So that's a natural system, a very automatic system: you go only up to a certain point, then your whole structure says, now enough -- you rest. Let the energy be revived again. Let the body relax so that you can move tomorrow morning.
So there is a rhythm of movement, rest; movement, rest. This is just a rest period. Soon you will see that the movement will come. Go on doing whatsoever you are doing -- the movement will come. And by the end this group will also give you a new depth.
Things are going well....
[Another group member says: This is the deepest I have ever gone -- I really went into my feelings... I didn't get into anything heavy... There was so much energy that I really felt and did not think.]
This has been very good. Things are going well. More -- much more -- will be coming.
And don't think that something heavy is coming. You may not have something heavy repressed. So one should not expect anything -- that creates the problem. One should simply remain without expectation, so whatsoever happens is okay.
If you have some expectation that something heavy should happen and is not, then there are two possibilities: either you will start creating that heavy thing because you want it so desperately.... And that will be false -- and your unconscious can deceive you. Just to satisfy you, if you want something heavy you have something heavy. The unconscious can create something heavy which will be false -- and you will not be benefited by it. In fact, you will feel exhausted -- not replenished, not rejuvenated.
When something really heavy is broken, one feels very very light -- not exhausted... one feels full of energy. But if the unconscious has to pretend -- mm? just to fulfill your expectation -- you will feel very exhausted. So whatsoever comes is good. If nothing comes, that too is good.
This is one of the problems with growth groups -- because everybody looks at everybody else. Somebody is going into something heavy and you are not, so you feel comparative -- that something is missing, he is going into such a heavy thing. But he may have to go, and you may not have to.
I have come across people who have been in Primal Therapy with Janov or with others, and because it is insisted upon that there is a primal scream, people manage to scream one day. It looks like primal and it is not -- because after that primal scream they remain the same. If it is really a primal, they will be totally different.... But their unconscious played the trick. The unconscious helps you, and if you demand too much, it will create an illusion, a hallucination.
Have you seen? Sometimes it happens to women. Some woman wants to have a child very desperately -- she can create a false pregnancy and her stomach becomes big. She goes on filling her stomach with air -- and not consciously! Her period stops. Now the unconscious is really playing great tricks. Because she wants the child so desperately, the unconscious says, 'Okay, have it!' How can the unconscious give you the child?
Now she is three months, four months in pregnancy, and starts vomiting, and all the symptoms of pregnancy are there. When she goes to the doctor and he says there is nothing, within two days the stomach settles down and the air disappears, and the period comes again, and all the symptoms disappear.
The unconscious is a great energy, and if you ask too much, the unconscious can give, can deliver -- it can deliver any goods. If you want to see Christ, you will see Christ there. If you want to see Krishna, he will have to play his flute -- and you will see him! These are all hallucinations. So don't expect!
This should be one of the basic rules -- that one should not expect and one should not look at others. Whatsoever is happening is their thing, mm? It has nothing to do with you -- you are different. So just let things happen, and don't put any expectation in your mind, otherwise you can have a false pregnancy! But things are going well, mm? Much more will be happening. Very good !
[Another group member says he worked through his father relationship and now feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. In reply to Osho's query, he says the weight had been on his left shoulder.]
Very good. If your left shoulder was heavy, your right brain must have been burdened. That's how it goes: they are joined cross-wise -- the left hand is joined with the right brain.
Soon you will see new qualities of the right brain arising in you. The right brain is intuitive, poetic... more capable of religious experiences. The left brain which is joined with the right hand, is more rational, logical. So if the burden is less there, suddenly after a few days you will feel some new insights arising in you -- and when they arise, help them. Be careful about them because they will be very new and you can neglect them.
Many things die through negligence. One has to be careful. That's why I asked you which shoulder was feeling unburdened. So if you start feeling more intuitive -- more hunches happen to you, you become more imaginative, more poetic, and things look more colourful, you become more loving, more feeling arises -- don't be afraid, Mm? otherwise the mind will again close, and if the mind closes, again your left shoulder will become heavy.
And now you will be working with your mother. You don't have any problem with your mother?
[He answers: The nice part of my mother came up -- not the heavy part.]
Maybe... sometimes it happens that if the heavy part is with your father, the nice part will be with your mother. They are enemies -- so if the father is heavy, the mother must have been nice to you....
That's natural -- because you can have only one friend; either mother or the father; you cannot have both. The world is still not so aware. Even the child cannOt have both a father and a mother -- he has to choose. And from that very moment choice starts.
If he chooses the father, the mother is against. If he chooses the mother, the father is against -- he is mama's boy, and the father is not interested. And in most of the cases it happens that the father is hard on the boy, nice to the girls -- nice to the daughter -- and the mother is nice to the boy, and harder on the daughter.
But still go into it, mm? It is better to clean all the relationships with the past. Once you have closed the accounts with the past, you become free, you become liberated into the future... you have more space. Otherwise the past goes on narrowing you.
If you have settled your accounts with your father, suddenly you will feel a new upsurge of love for men. Don't be afraid of that -- because a fear arises that one is becoming homosexual or something. That will come, because when the father's account is closed and you start feeling good about your father -- that yes, everything is gone and finished, and you don't carry the wounds -- you will start feeling good about men. You will become more friendly with men, because each man somehow represents your father.
[Another group member says: I played around for about four days and for the last couple of days I have really been getting into it. I can get so far and then I get scared to go any further... today I feel sort of more into a softer space . But I just get scared and that's it. And I can head-trip about it, or else I start clowning, and then it stops.]
I know you will do that because the day I suggested Primal Therapy, you turned and you said, 'Ah, shit!' (she laughs) I didn't say anything -- you were trying to be funny -- but it was foolish. That shows your whole attitude, and if you go into something with that attitude, you will be clowning -- it will not be of much use.
Nobody likes to be advised. And I have to do that sin continuously -- I have to advise people, 'Do this, do that.' Nobody wants to be advised, because it is very against the ego. Even to accept somebody's advice means that you don't know and somebody else knows. So in many ways one wants to avoid -- jokingly maybe, but that is a trick !
That very moment I knew you had missed that Primal group... I knew that it would be difficult for you ! The group had not started, nothing had started, but I could have predicted then that you would miss, because your attitude would be there. It was very unconscious -- not that you did it knowingly, it was unconscious -- but foolish things are supported by people.
You were here with the Soma group, and even [the leader] and others started laughing, thinking that you have done something very nice. So you also enjoyed the trick -- you thought you have done something nice... but nobody knows what people are doing.
Then you cannot be sincere; the whole work is a wastage. So you must have been fooling and pretending and clowning.
[One of the leaders comments: It seems that she can handle the heavier feelings but when it gets to softer spaces, it is difficult. She's really afraid of being a child. She's already well-developed in very sophisticated games and can joke and turn things to her advantage.]
Tomorrow something is going to happen. I have hit hard on her head (with a chuckle). Tomorrow something is going to happen! Mm? She will be able. These sophisticated games are just protections.
She is a child -- and she is simply protecting. She knows that if she goes sincerely into it, she will be childish -- that's what the fear is. She has not grown up in that way. Maybe her height (she is tall) has played some role in it. She must have been taller than other children when she was a child, and that very length has given her a sense that she is a grown-up. So she has never really been a child. She has never allowed herself that freedom.
Now it is there boiling inside, and she knows that if she relaxes suddenly that will erupt -- and for the whole life she has repressed it! So now she tries to manipulate every situation in her favour, by humour, by this and that, rationalisation, intellectualisation. Those are all props -- but they can all be thrown.
Just say to her -- whenever you see that she is doing something, just make it clear to her what she is doing. If she wants to do it, it is good, she can -- it is her game -- otherwise she need not do it. And from tomorrow she will enter; she is ready now. In fact her group will start from tomorrow, and she will enter into that space. And once she becomes a child, she will be tremendously beautiful. Great happiness will arise in her.
Sometimes it happens -- just very accidental things.... For example, her height is accidental. It is not her fault -- what can she do? She must have always been taller than other children of the same age, so she must have been feeling always that she is more grown-up than others, and that has made a gap. That gap has to be broken. And once it is broken she will become very very soft, flowing -- and that is her fear, too.
In the modern world it is happening more. Even small children are becoming very sophisticated. Each generation they are becoming more sophisticated. The world is becoming more informed, more knowledgeable. Children are glued to the TV for six hours a day. They are getting masses of information which was never possible at any other age or any other time. Of course they are very very sophisticated. Modern media have made many things possible.
For example, a child cannot read a novel like 'Anna Karenina', but he can see the film on the TV. To read 'Anna Karenina' he would have to wait for many years. But on the TV he can see and he can understand it and he can follow it. He can see Tolstoy, he can see Dostoevsky, he can see Turgenev, Gogol, Gorky. The whole world of literature which was not available to him before is available. He becomes very sophisticated. Even small children start feeling very egoistic.
Just the other day I was reading a joke. A doctor told a small child that if one eats an apple a day, it keeps the doctor away.
The child said, 'Ah, nuts ! This is nothing !'
The doctor was a little shocked. He said, 'What do you mean, "This is nothing?"'
The child said, 'I have got a better advice to give.'
The doctor said, 'What is that?'
The child said, 'Eat one onion a day, and it keeps everybody away! Not only the doctor -- everybody!'
Even small children are no more ready to receive any advice from anybody... they have become very subtle egoists.
So that barrier has to be broken... and she is carrying that barrier. But from tomorrow all the three musketeers (the leaders) jump on her! She has to be destroyed -- anyhow, mm? So finish the job.
And once you have finished the job you will see something very very soft, flower-like, delicate, arising. It is there. It will happen....