All I Represent is Love The Shadow Of The Whip #22

Orange is symbolic -- symbolic of death because it represents fire. In India we burn the dead body. Actually in the old days, in the traditional days, when sannyas was given to somebody he was put down on the funeral pyre. The master would stand by the side, and other disciples would say good-bye to him. The fire would be lit, and then he would be taken away from the pyre and be given a new name and the orange dress -- to indicate that he has passed through death... that the old is gone.

Orange is also symbolic of blood, of birth, so the new is born, the new baby is born in blood.
Orange is symbolic of death and birth, of crucifixion and resurrection.

So change to orange, and start looking at yourself in an absolutely new way, as you have never looked. This moment becomes a new beginning. Start from ABC... as if you are again a child and again learning the ways of life.
And much is going to happen -- I can see you ready for many things....

[A sannyasin brings his mother to take sannyas]

Deva means divine, and kanksha means desire; desire for the divine, desire for god. And I can see that the desire is there. It is still a seed, but it will sprout soon.

In fact it is not that you have come to see [your son] -- that desire has brought you here; that is just an excuse. Right? I have caught you!

[A sannyasin who has returned says: I couldn't get it together financially and I fell in two. Now I don't know how long I can stay. I would like to stay a longer period. I'm really frightened of going back.]

No, I will put you together -- don't be worried. If you want to stay, you will stay. So forget that, mm? And I will put you together. Nobody ever falls apart really. One simply feels... it is just an idea -- because basically you cannot fall apart. Every being is such a unity that there is no way to fall apart.

Many times we imagine that we are falling apart, but we never fall apart. Even people who are schizophrenic, split, in madhouses -- even they are not fallen apart. They have just taken the idea, a fancy, and the whole society helps them to keep the fancy. Maybe there is some politics in it, maybe the family wants them to remain mad, the society wants them to remain mad. Maybe they are scapegoats and the society, wants to throw its own garbage on them, but in fact they are not.

In a madhouse they tried one experiment. They made it clear that unless every inmate came and stood in a queue before the mess, nobody would get food. For just two days they waited, and by the third day all the mad people were standing in the queue -- and just one day before, two days before they wouldn't listen to anything! Then they made another thing: they fixed switches on the wall. There were one hundred and twenty mad people. and they said that they all had to push the switches together -- one hundred and twenty people -- only then the doors of the mess would open, otherwise they would remain hungry. They managed -- one hundred and twenty people, and mad -- they managed to push the button together! And the people who were experimenting were simply surprised. They were thinking that these people were mad!

One of the greatest seers of India, Ramana Maharshi, never used to be very kind to mad people. One of his biographers, Chadwick, writes: 'I was very much surprised that he is such a great saint and he has no compassion for mad people.' Whenever he would raise the question, Ramana Maharshi would simply laugh, and drop the subject and never discuss it.

One day Chadwick persisted. He said, 'I want a clear-cut answer. Why don't you have any compassion for mad people?' Ramana said, 'I have never come across any mad people -- they are all playing!' Just see what he says -- 'They are all playing the game.' They have chosen to be mad! Nobody is mad, because nobody can be mad.

In the West many more people are going mad -- every year many more -- because madness is now an accepted thing; almost a way, a style of life, for many people. In the East so many people never go mad.

In my home town there was one mad person. In fact, in every village there is one. It seems he is needed -- maybe like an outlet, a safety valve. The whole town remains sane, and he becomes the leakage for insanity. Children would run after him, throw stones, and he would throw stones, and it was such a scene whenever he passed.

I continuously watched him. I never tortured him. I had some deep feeling for the madman. And sometimes I would go and sit by his side -- he used to live under a tree. By and by he became aware of this fact that I had never tortured him as every child of the town, every boy, even grown up people, did. So he one day asked me, 'Why don't you torture me? Why don't you throw stones? Don't you think I am mad?' I said, 'I have never thought that you were mad.'

He laughed, and he said, 'Come close to me. I will tell you a secret -- I am not! But don't tell it to anybody. This is my way of living. This is how I get my food, my clothing. This is an agreement between me and the village -- that I will play the role of a madman. It's okay, and things are going very well!'

[The sannyasin answers: But at the same time I feel better than ever.]

Mm, You are better! I have put you together. Start meditating, dancing, and forget all about it!

[A sannyasin says: I'm feeling very happy... Sometimes I can't take it.]

Yes, it can become unbearable too. Only pain is not unbearable -- pleasure, happiness, can become unbearable.

So whenever you cannot take it in, dance, sing... go a little berserk. Express it... cry, let the tears come. Then you will be able to hold it. Whenever it is too much, let it flow... share it.

[The sannyasin continued that she found she felt happier outside the ashram and that she was in love with an indian sadhu.]

Mm. Love is good. Whomsoever you are in love with, it is good. Love is good! It is irrelevant with whom you are in love. If you love, you love me, so simply love! Mm? don't create any conflict.

This is the mind that comes again and again in between. It says, 'Why, what are you doing? If you fall in love with this man, you will be going away from Osho!' If you are going towards love, you are coming closer to me. If you are not coming closer to love, you may be here just sitting in front of me and you are far away, far, far away. You are on some other planet, not on this one -- because all that I represent is love.
My whole effort is to make you more loving.
Remember -- if you love, you love me.
And if you are happy, you are in my ashram, mm? Good!

[A sannyasin says: I wrote to you about having a fever when doing meditation. I feel a lot has happened to me.]

You are feeling very weightless, light? -- that's good. Sometimes meditations can bring fever, but if fever is brought by meditation, then after the fever you will feel very very light, almost as if you can fly. Mm? because then that fever was something psychological that has left you. It was nothing to do with your body. It was something feverish inside you that exploded.

Sometimes meditation brings a few things: it can bring fever, it can bring headaches, stomach disturbances, it can bring diarrhoea. And they are all tremendously helpful -- but one comes to know only when they are gone, not before it. Meditation is a cleansing process and whatsoever is stuck in your system has to be thrown out. But this has been very good.

[Osho checks her energy.]

You are in a state of levitation... very good. In this state, sometimes if you sit and meditate, you may feel you have risen above the earth. Not actually -- not that the body rises above the earth -- but your subtle, your energy body, rises above the earth. If you open your eyes, you will find yourself sitting on the earth. If you close your eyes, you will find that you are almost two or three feet above the earth.

There are two laws: one is of gravitation -- science knows about it. The other law, levitation, science still has to discover. But Yoga has always known it, and it has to be so, because each law can exist only with a contrary law -- no law can exist alone. If birth exists then death exists. If day exists then night exists. If man exists then woman exists. If love exists then hate exists. Each law has to function with its opposite which is also complementary to it.

So science has discovered gravitation -- that things, material things, fall towards the earth. Yoga says there is a law of levitation -- that spiritual things fall upwards. If they are allowed, they will start moving upwards. It is not just metaphorical that we look upwards for God. It is not just metaphorical that when we pray, we pray towards someone who is there high in the heavens. No, it is an indication of the law of levitation.

So you are exactly in the ray of the law of levitation -- enjoy it! Mm? this is the moment when one can pray, and can feel prayerful, and can simply be happy for no reason at an. This is the moment that one can dance, really dance and dance with the soul -- not only with the body. The dance can go to your very core, and it will not be just a movement, physical movement; it will be a spiritual experience. So you start praying.

In the night when you go to sleep, just sit in the bed with folded hands looking upwards. Put the light off and in deep darkness, just look upwards. Feel that you can fly, and then anything that comes, anything that you would like to say to God, say it -- anything! Don't make it a formal affair: don't say the christian prayer, or the hindu prayer, or any prayer. If it happens, good... it is beautiful. If it comes spontaneously, that too is good, but let it be spontaneous -- don't prepare for it. You can say anything at this moment: just 'hello' is enough of a prayer, or, 'How are you, God?' is enough prayer.

Have you heard about the three mystics? Tolstoy has written a story, that in Russia before the revolution, there were three famous mystics who used to live on a small island in a big lake. They became so famous that the pope, the highest religious authority of the Russian Orthodox Church, became very much worried -- the masses were going towards them. So finally he decided to go and see what is happening.

He went by motorboat... landed. Those three poor people -- they were very poor people -- rushed and fell at his feet. He could not believe that these ordinary people had fallen at his feet. He said, 'What's your secret? Why are people coming to you?' They said, 'We don't know.'
He said, 'What is your religious practice, what is your sadhana?'

They said, 'That too we don't know. We are very ignorant, illiterate persons. We know just one prayer -- we do that.'
So he asked, 'What is your prayer?'

They looked at each other... they felt very ashamed and shy. Then one said, 'Forgive us father, because we don't know really how to pray, so we have invented one. We should not have done this, but we are ignorant people -- forgive us. We have invented our own prayer. Knowing that God is a trinity -- God the Father, the Holy Ghost, and the Son -- and we are also three, we have made a prayer: "You are three, we are three -- have mercy on us." This is our prayer.'

The head priest was very angry. He said, 'Who told you this is prayer? Has anybody ever heard of any prayer like that? You should learn a christian prayer -- Our Lord's prayer.' So he taught them.

They asked again, they asked again -- twice he repeated. They said, 'Okay, now we will remember.' Mm? Happy, he set off in his boat. Then just in the middle of the lake, he was surprised to see that those three were coming -- almost like a storm -- running on the water!

He trembled! He started saying, 'What is happening? This is a miracle!' And they came and said, 'Father, once more please repeat that prayer -- we have forgotten!'

He fell at the feet of those three and he said, 'Your prayer is right -- my prayer is just formal. You continue your prayer. I should not have disturbed you. Your prayer has been heard. Now who am I to say that this is not right? You simply continue your prayer.'

So just a 'hello' sometimes will do. Prayer has to be something of the heart... spontaneous, with no preparation.

So every night, just a five minute prayer will be very helpful in this moment, mm? and then go to sleep. In a deep prayerful mood fall into sleep, and in the morning when you get up, again get up prayerfully. Good.

[A sannyasin therapist who has recently returned says: I've been working very hard. When I'm teaching there is nobody there, and it's very beautiful. But in my life I seem to have lost all of my self-confidence. But now I'm here with you... ]

In fact, it depends how you look at it. Otherwise losing self-confidence can be a great privilege. It may be just the beginning of losing the ego...

Only the beginning.... Because self-confidence is basically nothing but ego-confidence. And self-confidence is not of much help. If it disappears, it is good. You will feel more free. Of course you will not feel so secure -- but with security there is no freedom. Freedom exists only with insecurity. You will not feel so certain and so smug... but who can be certain? How is certainty possible? Life is so vast, so unpredictable -- how can one have self-confidence in the first place?

In fact only stupid people can have self-confidence. The more wise you become, the more it disappears.

[The sannyasin says: When I feel confident, then I feel that I move with a kind of authority.]

That's what stupidity is -- authority. When you are authoritative, you are no more alive, you are no more free, you are no more spontaneous, and you are no more in tune with existence. How can you have authority?.... Because life is such a mystery -- nothing is known about life and nothing can be known about life. It is not only unknown -- it is unknowable. How can you be authoritative about it? The authority simply means that you are not aware of the tremendousness, of the vastness, of the hugeness of life, and you are not aware of the mystery.

Socrates says, 'When I was young, I used to think I knew all. When I became older, I became suspicious, I lost my confidence and many loop-holes erupted in my knowledge. And when I am really on the verge of death, only one certainty is left -- that I am ignorant, that I don't know anything.'
Socrates is really one of the wisest men, and whatsoever he says, he means.

So... your self-confidence disappearing is a blessing. In fact one should start living without authority. I know it is difficult -- that's why people choose authority. Authority seems to be clear-cut. It is as if in the vast jungle of life you have cleared a small space -- neat, clean... that's what authority is. But .look around a little. Nothing is neat and everything is mysterious. Man knows nothing.

So I don't think your self-confidence is going to come back -- no! You will have to live without it. And once you have decided to live without it, you will have such beautiful freedom available. But I know your problem. You have been trying to live through knowledge. You have been trying to live through information, through the scripture, you have been trying to live through the mind. Now try to live without the mind. You have been trying to live in a rational way and now doubts are arising about reason.

The disappearing self-confidence simply means that now you are becoming aware that life is bigger than reason. When somebody asks you a question -- somebody says, 'Is there a God?' only a foolish person can say yes or no. He can say with confidence! And you can judge by the confidence how foolish he is.

I go on looking into christian missionaries' books -- I have never seen such stupid literature. So confident -- and without knowing anything!

Somebody asks, 'Is there a God?'... a small child asks you, 'Is there God?' and you say, 'Yes.' Just look behind your 'yes'. What are you trying to pretend before the child? Who are you kidding?

Be humble, and say to the child, 'I don't know.' You will be truer, and closer to God. And when you say, 'Yes, God is,' and you try to say it with deep confidence so that the child is convinced, and through the conviction of the child you are convinced that you know.... When you see that yes, you have convinced the child -- at least silenced the child, if not convinced -- then you feel good. But life is not so easy. It is not a question of two plus two being four. Sometimes in life two plus two is five, and sometimes two plus two is three. And sometimes whatsoever you do, you cannot make two plus two -- they don't join. That plus becomes impossible.

Who can speak authoritatively? You can speak only in deep humbleness. You can say 'perhaps'. How can you be certain?

I know the difficulty -- because when you are not certain, you become afraid whether the other will be convinced. If you are not certain, you become afraid inside; the other has touched your uncertainty.

I have heard that a man was travelling in a train. He came into the compartment and he was very much worried and trembling. He asked the man who was sitting just in front of him, 'Where does this train go? Does this train go to London?' The man said, 'Yes.' He started reading his newspaper again, but he was not yet certain. He asked again, 'Sir, can I ask you again?' The man said, 'Are you mad? All over the compartment it is written that the train is going to London. The train is going to London -- and keep quiet!' He started reading his newspaper again. The man kept quiet.

Then at another station somebody else entered the compartment and asked the man who was worried whether the train was going to London or not, 'Is this train going to London? The man jumped and he said, 'Now you have made me uncertain again!'

We are all uncertain. So when somebody asks, '... is there a God?' you become afraid deep down: he is making you uncertain again! Somehow you were managing to believe that there is a God and everything is okay -- God in heaven and we on the earth, and everything is going well and He is taking care of this whole mess, this chaos, and things eventually will be right. And now here comes a man, a small child, and says, 'Is there a God? Does God really exist?' And he is asking so innocently -- again he is provoking your uncertainty.

You shout loudly, 'Yes, there is a God!' Against whom are you shouting? Against this child or against your own fear? Just as you are trying to make this child keep quiet, your parents had made you keep quiet. Your childhood is still there... uncertain.

This is all absurd! There is no need to carry such self-confidence. If you know, you know -- there is no need for self-confidence. If you don't know, you don't know. What is the need for self-confidence? You see the point? If you know, you know. There is no need for self-confidence. If you don't know, you don't know. What will self-confidence do? So in either case, it is not needed -- it is an unnecessary burden. Forget about it!

And this time when you go from here, just go free. Let the spontaneity decide. Of course then you will become very inconsis-tent -- you will be inconsistent like me -- because then you cannot be consistent.
Each moment has its own spontaneity... each moment has its own say.

Deep down there will be a consistency, but that will not be on the surface. Your freedom will be consistently there, but your statements will all be different. A real man of understanding is bound to be contradictory, because a real man of understanding only lives the moment.

For example, I am saying to you that there is no need for self-confidence. I am not saying that tomorrow also I will say the same and I am not saying that yesterday I said the same -- that is none of my concern. This moment -- looking into you, looking into myself -- this is how I feel... that there is no need. One can simply be oneself -- there is no need for any self-confidence. And I am not saying that when self-confidence disappears, you will have an unself-confidence -- that disappears with it too. It is its shadow. How can you be unself-confident when there is no self-confidence? They both go together. You are simply there then -- naturally there... responsive. And your response is authentic, not authoritative.

An authoritative response is never authentic, and an authentic response is never authoritative. But to be authentic is more valuable. If you don't get confused I will say that to be authentic carries its own authority -- but it is not authoritative. It is sincere.

You look in my eyes.... Whatsoever I am saying is not authoritative -- it is sincere. And sincerity has its own weight, it goes deeper... touches the very core of your being. Authority is very superficial, authority is borrowed -- sincerity is your own flowering.
So forget about it! There is no need.

[The sannyasin says: I know... the difference between the authority or sincerity that's there, and the authority that comes from the mind. But it seems that in my own life, I can't let go of that yet, though in my work I can.]

I understand. That will happen in your life too.... Because when you are working, you can be more objective; the problem is somebody else's. When it is your own life, the problem is yours.

Somebody comes to you, and he has a problem. You can be very objective, very sincere -- sincere to the core -- because you are not risking anything. You can be sincere, there is no risk -- but when the problem is your own, the question is your own -- then the answer is not so objective. You are not two, you are one. Now the question is arising in you!

The day Amit Prem [a therapist friend with whom the sannyasin had originally come to see Osho] took sannyas, I asked him, 'Have. you something to say?' He said, 'Osho, what next?' I said, 'There is nothing. Drop all hope. The very hope that one has to gain something and improve, advance, become spiritual, adept, siddha, this and that -- all nonsense! Drop all hope!'
He said, 'This is what I say to other people!'

Now if you have said it to other people and it was authentic, you should not ask, 'What next?' Then there is no next -- this moment is all, and one is not going anywhere. We are already here! And here is all that is. There is no future, no space to grow. The world is perfect each moment -- it is not going from imperfection towards perfection, and each individual is perfect as he is. And Amit says, 'Yes, this is what I say to other people.'

Then just to make it an experiment, I didn't suggest that he do any group or any meditation or anything. Now today he writes a letter to me saying, 'I think that by being here nothing is going to happen.' Again the same desire -- something should happen. And I was just creating a situation. I was just making it clear to him that whatsoever he has been saying to others is not authentic, otherwise it should enter his own life too!

It is very easy to advise others. It is very difficult when it comes to your own problems. Then you become uncertain, because you know your answers are just answers. How can you deceive yourself? You can deceive somebody else -- it is easier. The other does not know whether [you have] attained or not, mm? But this Amit Prem tells somebody that there is nowhere to go; herenow is the goal. Now how is the other supposed to know whether he is talking from some inner experience of the herenow, or whether he is just philosophical, he has learned a doctrine? The other will be impressed.

But when the question arises to Amit Prem himself -- sitting in his chair or lying down in his bed and suffering from dysentery and this and that, and the problem arises, 'Amit Prem, what are you doing here? Why are you wasting your time here?' -- the question is real. The question is more real than your answer. Then the self-confidence.... You will feel that something is missing. The question is more real, deeper than your answer. Now your answer has to be deeper too.

So this is my suggestion: whatsoever you say to people, before you say it to them, after you have said it to them, meditate on those answers, compare notes with your own question. And by and by, if you feel that you have not answered any question that is yours, then your answer is not really authentic, not sincere. It looks sincere, it may be a beautiful answer -- that's okay. Very logical, pertinent, penetrating -- but it is not authentic....

Because the real test is within you. There is the crucible... there you have to test everything. There is the real fire. If the answer is real it will pass through the fire. If the answer is not real it will not be able to solve your question, and if it cannot solve your question, please remember that it is not sincere -- then better not to say it to anybody.

At the most say, 'I have not been able to solve my own question, but this is the way I would like my question to be solved. This is just my suggestion, not my answer... just my intellectual approach towards it. This is my intellectual understanding, but it is not spiritual.' Say it! Then you will be more sincere.

Sincerity simply means that whatsoever you are saying to others you ask of yourself, 'Has it happened to me? Is it really happening to me?'

That's what the problem is: you know the right answer, and when you are teaching you are a good teacher. So you teach well -- you satisfy your students. They feel very good -- they have received something. But when you come home, your own questions are there (a chuckle); you cannot deceive those questions! They are there.
So when you go back, tell Amit that this has been a situation for him.

This has been a situation -- and I was putting him into that situation to give him a real feel that whatsoever he has been saying is just absurd. I'm not saying wrong -- I am saying absurd. It may be right -- because it looks right -- but it is absurd.

Deep down in him there is a great desire to grow, to become, to be something, to be somebody. I simply suggested nothing to him for those few days he has been here. In fact I suggested that he conduct a group -- not to participate, but lead. So he felt that if he is leading groups here and he was leading groups there, this ashram has nothing to give to him.

This was just a situation. And tell him that is worked! It has brought his whole heart to the surface. Now the real work will start. And tell [the sannyasin ma who was with him] she proved to be of a more grounded nature than Amit Prem... proved to be more centered. But god! Now things are clear...

[A group leader who had to return to the West for health reasons, said he gave groups there and many participants will be coming to see Osho. He then says: It's difficult when I experience that part in me that stops me from coming here forever.]

Accept that too. There is no need to fight it. If it is there, it is there. One day it will disappear, but you need not make it disappear. Then it will never disappear. It is bound to be there in everybody who is close to me; it is bound to be there, otherwise you will simply disappear. You will disappear into my emptiness. You have to cling to something against me. That is your security.

Nothing wrong in it -- it is natural. It is part of the whole heritage. We have been trying to survive, and we have been fighting in every way against disappearing. Down the centuries for millions of years, every being has been fighting and fighting to survive. Then that becomes part of our nature -- that effort to survive.

When you fall in love it creates trouble, because love is possible only when you disappear. So that whole conditioning of the mind, of centuries, has gone to the very cells. That becomes a barrier to all kinds of love.

And to be in love with me is dangerous. So it is a natural tendency to fight, to find some way or other, and to be scared and afraid. But it is natural -- accept it... let it be there!

In spite of it you are going to disappear. So we are not worried about it. It cannot prevent you... it cannot even delay you. It is almost irrelevant, so don't pay much attention to it. In fact the more attention you pay to it, the more you feed it. It is there, so accept it just like your back: it is also there, a part of you.

And don't in any way try to drop it. If you try to drop it, it will give you a great fight. Simply accept, and in spite of that, things are growing, things are moving -- nothing to be worried about.

That's why when you are there, you feel me more and more easily, because then there is no problem -- you are alone there, and the fear is not there.

It always happens: whenever lovers are separate, they feel.... And when they are close they nag, and fight, and conflict arises. And it seems absurd, because when they are separate and far away, they long to see each other, to be with each other, and once they are together, again the whole nonsense starts. But this is part of growth, so don't be worried. Let it be so! That is for me to look after it, mm?
And you look good. Your health is really good!

[The groupleader's girlfriend then says she feels a conflict between being in the ashram and being with her boyfriend when he was in the West.]

It is natural, mm? You love me, you love [him]. Both loves are of a totally different quality and a different dimension, and you are torn apart between the two. It is natural, the difficulty is bound to be there -- but that difficulty will help you to grow. It is not going to be harmful; that's why you also feel good.

Remember only one thing: you can have both, because there is no problem about it. The only question is where to stay. Stay with [him] wherever he stays -- if he stays here you stay here, if he goes to the West you go to the West.... Because it is not only a question of your being with me; it is easier for me to work on him through you, so that too is part of the game.

If he is left alone he can be lost, so I cannot leave him alone, mm? And you are my representative to follow him; wherever he goes, you be there. And your growth is going very well -- nothing to be worried about. So whenever he is here, you be here. And drop this conflict completely. You simply be with [him] wherever he is. And I am with you! -- don't be worried about it. You are not making a choice. There is no choice in fact!

Your love for [your boyfriend] is on one plane, your love for me is on a totally different plane -- there is no choice. If you are here and Amitabh is not, you can fall apart. But you can be anywhere and you will not fall apart from me, because it is not a question of physical closeness. With [your boyfriend] it is a question of physical closeness. If you are not with him, there is a possibility you may move away, he may move away. That's why I say to remain with him. And I am with you.

Sooner or later he is going to settle here. Where else will he settle? And once you drop this conflict, he will settle sooner. Now this too works on his mind, knowingly, unknowingly. That too is somewhere in the unconscious. He goes on watching what [you are] going to choose. He is afraid -- a certain fear is there that you can choose me. And he knows if I say to you, 'Stay here,' you are going to stay here -- that he knows. And this too he knows, because I am saying to you to follow [your boyfriend] you are following -- that too he knows. So there is in his mind ambiguity -- whether you are really with him, or you are with him only because I have said to be with him. He will be at ease only when your whole conflict disappears. Then he can stay here -- there is no problem.

Once he knows that he is not going to lose you by staying here.... His fear is double: his first fear is that he is going to lose himself, his second fear is that he is going to lose [you]. So think of poor [boyfriend] -- he is really in difficulty.

So you simply drop this conflict forever. If you are here I am working on you, if you are there I am working on you -- you are close to me so wherever you go there is no problem about it. And finally and eventually you will settle here. That is not the problem.

Once [he] becomes perfectly certain about you -- that you are with him -- then what is the point of moving between India and America? And it is also good to move a little, so one really settles. Before one settles, little movement is good.

This is my feeling, people who have come for the first time and settle forever, sometimes feel a little difficulty. The desire sometimes arises to go away. So let him come and go, come and go. By and by that will tire him, and then you will be really settled. But everything is going well.

[She adds: I feel afraid that you will die when I'm not here.]

No, no. When I'm dying, I will call you immediately, so you need not be afraid. You will be here when I am dying. Nothing to be worried about. And I am not going to die so soon. I will have to look after so many people, mm? People I have initiated I have to bring to a certain state -- only then can I go, not before. I can manage... don't worry.